★stefmax.net★

Suminasen; but you don’t understand

Life is supposed to be lived to the fullest. Many people in life never get to see the good side of living. For me, my otosan (father) and okasan (mother) worked very hard to give me a good life. They are not materialistic by far but my mother does hold class. As I think about growing older, I want to give the same to my children. At that time, I do think for my future and what I will become. Saying to myself only time will tell seems to push me into more doubt. If I set goals like I have been doing, better things are due in no time. This is a topic that has kept me from sleeping many nights and I just lay in bed with music blazing my headphones as I count and go through each and every thought that passes through my mind. I am thankful for the learning process my parents have put me through. My okasan (mother) was for my younger years, and my otosan (father) was for my adult years. My otosan (father) made me understand life and people. That you must follow your heart and at times, you must make the right decision to benefit you. Never put luxury before yourself since it is not needed. My okasan (mother) gave me the ability to love and fight for what I think is right. She showed me that as a child, I can always show my emotion or love for something and not be ashamed. Even in the hard times, my brothers always marked me as her favorite because there was a special bond between us. When she cried, I cried tears for her and tears that made me; us stronger. Now it is 2007 and I see in a room that is being remodeled by myself. When I was younger, I thought I would not make it to the age of 22. It’s a very silly thing to say but as a child I didn’t have high hopes. I lived day to day without planning what I did ahead. My otosan (father) would silently push me to do good and my okasan (mother) was always my main support. In school, I was higher than average and my okasan (mother) pushed me for gifted/honors. Cramming education into my head gave me more knowledge to understand what I was blinded by. I feel bad at times for my brothers, that they didn’t see what life truly was early enough. Everyone says keep your hopes high but what about other peoples hopes? How do you make them understand what it is to live? It is so much harder in this generation due to the corruption of everything. I want to be there but I can’t! I want my destiny to include everyone! Why don’t they understand this! Why must they be so selfish! I give you my all, and you give me a doubtful look! I am your brother, why can’t you listen to me! Why didn’t you listen to me — Life would of been so much easier. In my life, I don’t want to have regrets but not being to help is a regret that is very heavy on ones soul. When looked upon by my parents, I am always looked upon to do the right thing. They know in my books, failure is not a word or an option. I am that shining star that can make them feel proud again. I want to be that shining star. I must be that shining star!

To my family, to my friends, to my readers, Domo Arigato (Thank you very much) for being there for me. You are my energy to make my world keep spinning. Sorry for such a moving topic but some of my soul was released through my finger tips. Even if you don’t comment, I am thankful for you giving my article a glimpse.

Welcome home.

For some time, I haven’t had any free time. And if I did, it would include studying or reading. Many things have changed in my life since the last post so instead of trying to remember each thing in one single post, I shall write them post by post so I can think about one thing and only that thing instead of jumping from subject to subject. Many have seen that the original website www.stefmax.net has been taken over due to the hosting company not keeping my domain. I am hosted by 1and1 but the domain www.stefmax.net was purchased through godaddy (huge mistake). Since I registered the new domain through 1and1 now, they automatically charge my account when the domain is about to expire. This saves many people from losing their domain name and having to purchase another one. I hope people who visited find the new site and ignore the old one.

She’s on your mind

Up late once again, but I feel the need for sleep slowly attacking my eyes. I am back on track with my sleep but I took a nap earlier today so I am not too tired. Life has been quite sweet. The field of work has been great though with budgets we seem to be somewhat lacking. Not because we are not selling but there is no one to sell to but that can not be used as an excuse. You can sell something to someone; something they don’t want but something they need. That’s a real salesman. I met this awesome girl in my Sociology class and we began to talk. We have yet to hang out yet so I don’t know what she’s fully like. A date is scheduled for tonight so I hope all goes well. I am back to being a book worm at school but I try to make time for the things I want to do.

“Let’s sing this love song together.”

Today was a day to forget

I didn’t really notice how fast the day was going by until it became night time. I tried my hardest to study but for some reason depression lingered in. I have a feeling it has to do with the argument father and I got into a few days ago. In order to be well; be me, I must be happy. It just sucks that things like that get to me so much because the thing or person means so much to me. To turn around my mood, I will post like there is no tomorrow. Ichi ichi ichiban! So I will awake early morning tomorrow and study for my Sociology test that is on Wednesday. There is no way in hell I am going to fail Sociology. Even though I did dislike some of it’s concepts. What more can I say, I am a fan of Psychology.

Graduate your face.

Undeniably one the weirdest things to do is to distract someone while they are working. I will wait I get home to post this. No, I will post it here so that I can fully describe what I am feeling. So I am sitting down doing my class work in the school’s cafe. 3 girls sit across about 50 feet away. I nodded to one thinking it was someone else and that was a wrong move. The one girl then approached me while I was working and that was when I noticed that it wasn’t the girl I knew but a totally different person in general. So we greet each other and she goes on to tell me that the girl at her table wants to “holla”. She then goes to ask me if I am interested. How can I be interested, I AM DOING MY CLASS WORK. I tend to take this extremely seriously; my class work. Her friend playfully puts a paper covering her face as I look up to see which girl she is talking about. The girl that she was talking about, I did catch eyes with her before when I was in the cafe early. I raised a brow whether she was Hispanic or Asian. The girl destroyed my reasoning when she told me, “The Spanish girl over there wants to hook up.” When she told me that, I didn’t get into a defensive stance but I released a gentle laugh. She goes on telling me that we’re not in high school anymore and that I should approach. I then say to myself, “If the girl is interested, why doesn’t she approach me?” I automatically know with my powerful stereotyping skills that this is their first semester at college. The girl sported a full Tommy outfit, no one wears Tommy Hilfiger anymore (coming from a guy with a fashion sense). I said I’ll talk to her when I see her around. She goes on to ask for my age and racial background. At this time I wanted to cut the conversation and tiger uppercut her for getting in my biz. When the word German slides out of my mouth she says, “German!” She said it with excitement. I then tell her again that I will talk to her when I see her around. I’d rather have a girl hit on me than a guy. When it’s a guy, the situation feels so weird that I can’t seem to say, I’m not gay! Rather I tell them I have a girl friend and brush it off. Anyway, she returns to her table to give her friends all the details. I am 21, if I want to “holla” at you I will approach you and ask your name in an adult like manner. Not send someone over to talk to you as if we are still in high school. Those horrible days are over. Now back to class work I go. Stupid interruptions.

Life in the fast lane

Every since summer started, time has been going by so quickly. I would even say at the start of the new year time has been sprinting by. I am occupied about 19hours a day. With that happening, I never have time for myself unless I am off which doesn’t mean I have it fully to myself. My workplace has become all sorted now and all of the employees are respectful towards eachother. The full-timers are power sellers so missing budgets doesn’t seem to be in sight. I look forward to start my new classes. I really do.

The Promise

You tend to understand a certain situation when you are placed in ones position. It may take days, months, or years to understand what was felt. You may have been blind since you have never encountered a situation like one before.

Last night I watched The Promise. An incredible movie that did it’s justice on my heart. It did not just let me understand some things but it let me understand the feelings that were felt in a particular situation.

When one is weak at the heart, he/she will turn away any type of love, good or bad. In my case, it was the love of goodness. Even not saying love but friendship. Friendship can mean many things if the two have loved one another before. Saying good bye is one of the hardest things but doing it with a pure, open heart makes it not feel so bad.

I said good bye due to various reasons that ment much more to my heart. It did make me stronger in the long run and I do not regret doing it but the possibilities of something happening at the time were endless. The Promise touched on these things many times, giving one the ability to change their destiny. It is not always wrong to do so since in the modern day life we tend to do it all the time with the decisions that we make in life.

Fake love can become realalistic whether or not it is from lust or pity. Love is too high of an emotion to gently play with especially when it is of the partners and of yourself. I do hope the best for myself because with the heart I hold now, I am ready for any obtacles that are about to jump in my path.

Something has cursed me not to love again in a way. I am Qingcheng.